Oprah Saves My Immortal Soul

August 26, 2010

in Moochie, Oprah

(This is a picture of my lord Oprah. If you are looking at a tiny blue question mark, it’s because her minions stole back the picture I put up without having the right to do so. I was wrong, and you, minions, were right. Because Ms. Winfrey needs to stay on top of this piddly-ass crap since she doesn’t have enough money or power.)

I was reading my new Oprah magazine while on the recumbant bike at the gym (next week: Ironman!) when I discovered that I could solve my current spiritual crisis by taking a simple online quiz.

What spiritual crisis, you ask?

Moochie asked me what heaven was the other day. I gave her my standard “many people believe” spiel. It’s pretty much the same one I use when discussing the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and… oh yeah… God. As in: “Many people believe Santa Claus delivers presents to children all over the world on Christmas Eve.”

So: basically, bullsh*t. Because I was raised in a house with a well-thumbed copy of The Origin of Species but no bible. I’m a (very) secular Jew because I was brought up that way and nothing ever caused me to change.

Phin’s family is much more religious, but he’s pretty much letting me take the religion reins with Mooch. So except for seders and Chanukah candles, her spiritual education has been bupkus. (Yiddish for practically nothing. I’m all for keeping a little Yiddish in her life, since she’s not growing up in NYC, where everybody learns some by osmosis.)

But that doesn’t seem fair. And she’s turning into a pretty sharp kid, so sooner or later she’s going to figure out that when mommy says “many people think blah, blah, blah” it really means that mommy believes the opposite.

And that creates another problem: I don’t want it to be my kid that destroys the innocent hopes and dreams of her little classmates, nor do I want to be on the receiving end of all those phone calls from angry parents when Moochie tells her class that The Easter Bunny is a big, fat fraud. Or that The Old Testament was written by, well, old guys and not by God.

It’d be so much easier if I had a religion I could sell to her without lying about what I believe. And that’s where the all-knowing Oprah comes in to save me. Because her magazine (which I choose to believe is channelled directly from Oprah’s very soul) told me about the Belief-O-Matic. (It also reveals Maggie Gyllenhal’s Aha! Moment, but that wasn’t as revelatory somehow.)

I answered 20 multiple choice questions and SHAZAM! I was presented with the religion which was closest to my actual beliefs.

Turns out, I never should have been Jewish at all. Even Reform Judaism was only #12 on my list. I was shocked to learn that it barely nosed out Scientology, which placed 14th. (Kind of fishy, what with Oprah being buddies with John Travolta and Tom Cruise and all.) But luckily, I won’t be showing up at your doorstep with copies of The Watchtower, because the Jehovah’s Witnesses ended up dead last. (Those guys really need a celebrity, don’t they?)

So what religion does Oprah herself (well, not really, but maybe Gayle?) think I should be? Drumroll. Or heavenly choir. Yeah, that’s more appropriate.

The Belief-O-Matic says that Unitarian Universalism and I are soul mates. It says this religion and I share 100% of the same core beliefs. (Secular Humanism placed, with a 97% match, in case somebody put down a bet.)

So, the next time Moochie asks me a spiritual question, I’m going to be able to tell her all about Unitarian Universalism. As soon as I figure out what the hell it is.

PS: The excellent Connie W. at The Young and the Relentless, among other places, says she took the quiz and is writing a post about it tomorrow. I recommend you tune in, click over, or whatever the hell the kids are saying these days. I know I’m going; see you at her place? Cool. You think your father’ll give you the car? I’ll bring beer.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

A Musing Mother August 26, 2010 at 8:04 am

Oh, Darlin'. You're in for a world of hurt. Let's drop the crap. I'm going to give you some good ole' fashion mother counsel (because I am a pro, as clearly illustrated by my perfect children).

These God questions will persist. Not only will they persist, but the little pumpkins then hit the jackpot of God and heaven discussions.


Hold on tight and practice your own little spiel. They won't rest until they have every little detail ironed out to exhaustion.

You're welcome.


nonamedufus August 26, 2010 at 12:30 pm

How about Ambivalent Agnostic? Is that on there? I've just got a feeling it and I are a match made in heaven…oops. Uh, if there were such a place.


Connie W August 26, 2010 at 1:59 pm

I just took that quiz…and my number one is Orthodox Judaism. WHAT? and the two other shockers.

#3 Islam
#4 Mormon

So I belong in a CULT?

Good luck with your choice.


K A B L O O E Y August 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

@amusing: hold on, there. I've been answering death questions for two years. That's when I first tried out the "many people think…" line. She saw the Queen croak into her soup in Despereaux (which sucked) and never let it go.
@dufus: Can you be an un-ambivalent agnostic? Heavens no.
@Connie: Holy moly. Bet our answers were pretty different, huh?


Connie W August 26, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Your post and the answers to my quiz have inspired a blog post….check me out tomorrow.


The Empress August 26, 2010 at 5:11 pm

I am a cryptojew.

I've had that feeling all my life.


K A B L O O E Y August 26, 2010 at 6:41 pm

@Connie: looking forward to it!
@The Empress: A Jew in a crypt? A Jew that's hard to decipher? A Jew vulnerable to kryptonite?


ReformingGeek August 27, 2010 at 12:27 am

Fun post.


All Rise!

**Oprah floats into the room and takes her place on her throne**

Be Seated.

Let us pray.


Hmph! I think not.


Gigi August 27, 2010 at 1:29 am

Hm. A Beliefomatic. Is that like a Bassomatic? If you're really 46, you may get that reference.

Do they have the quiz on Oprah's site? I'm a nonpracticing Catholic. I'd be really curious to see if I was always meant to be Hindu or something.


K A B L O O E Y August 27, 2010 at 3:06 am

@Reffie. You know Oprah can levitate, don't lie.
@Gigi: If I'm really 46? What kind of kicks would I get lying about that? Dan Aykroyd; of course I get the reference. Also, the link to the Belief-O-Matic quiz is in the post. It takes 10 minutes. If you do it, write in with the results. Maybe I'll post a poll…


Cruella Collett August 27, 2010 at 8:37 am

Haha, oh my Oprah, you're in for a treat… This is an issue I have never really given much thought. I grew up in a secular home in a secular part of a relatively secular country (even if we do have a state church. Yes, hypocrisy is our religion), so this never bothered me. I knew some people believed there was a god, some believed there wasn't, and some believed in Oprah. Personally I turned out to believe in digressions, and I am fine.

Good luck!


Karen @ Mignardise August 27, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Of course you're a UU! That's the "religion" for the unreligious. Like me. We became active UUs about a year ago. It's more of a covenant about how to live than a religion. Plus you don't have to go to services in the summer.
I call myself a U Jew. U could 2.


Lisa Page Rosenberg August 27, 2010 at 8:11 pm

Jeez Louise.
The Belief-O-Matic says that I am a Neo-Pagan. Just as I had always expected, I am a Druid.


K A B L O O E Y August 27, 2010 at 11:52 pm

@cruella, the Digressionist: I'm fine too, actually
@karen: thanks for the email info
@smacksy: ooh, that sounds good; I'm gonna look that one up. What'd you say that you think generated Neo-Paganism? I'm pretty sure I got slotted as an UU and secular humanist because of my answers to the roles for women, homosexuality, social betterment, abortion and divorce questions.

Oh! I did quiz again because I hadn't saved my list, and saw that Neo-Paganism is my #6. This time my top two flipped places, but the Witnesses stayed last.


Lisa Page Rosenberg August 28, 2010 at 3:21 am

For me – Catholic came last. Of course this was the religion I grew up with.


Quirkyloon August 28, 2010 at 6:09 pm

HA! What a great post. Now you got me wanting to go take the quiz.

And I will say this: you're the funniest the Unitarian Universalist I know!

And I'm glad.



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