Oprah Saves My Immortal Soul
(This is a picture of my lord Oprah. If you are looking at a tiny blue question mark, it’s because her minions stole back the picture I put up without having the right to do so. I was wrong, and you, minions, were right. Because Ms. Winfrey needs to stay on top of this piddly-ass crap since she doesn’t have enough money or power.)
I was reading my new Oprah magazine while on the recumbant bike at the gym (next week: Ironman!) when I discovered that I could solve my current spiritual crisis by taking a simple online quiz.
What spiritual crisis, you ask?
Moochie asked me what heaven was the other day. I gave her my standard “many people believe” spiel. It’s pretty much the same one I use when discussing the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and… oh yeah… God. As in: “Many people believe Santa Claus delivers presents to children all over the world on Christmas Eve.”
So: basically, bullsh*t. Because I was raised in a house with a well-thumbed copy of The Origin of Species but no bible. I’m a (very) secular Jew because I was brought up that way and nothing ever caused me to change.
Phin’s family is much more religious, but he’s pretty much letting me take the religion reins with Mooch. So except for seders and Chanukah candles, her spiritual education has been bupkus. (Yiddish for practically nothing. I’m all for keeping a little Yiddish in her life, since she’s not growing up in NYC, where everybody learns some by osmosis.)
But that doesn’t seem fair. And she’s turning into a pretty sharp kid, so sooner or later she’s going to figure out that when mommy says “many people think blah, blah, blah” it really means that mommy believes the opposite.
And that creates another problem: I don’t want it to be my kid that destroys the innocent hopes and dreams of her little classmates, nor do I want to be on the receiving end of all those phone calls from angry parents when Moochie tells her class that The Easter Bunny is a big, fat fraud. Or that The Old Testament was written by, well, old guys and not by God.
It’d be so much easier if I had a religion I could sell to her without lying about what I believe. And that’s where the all-knowing Oprah comes in to save me. Because her magazine (which I choose to believe is channelled directly from Oprah’s very soul) told me about the Belief-O-Matic. (It also reveals Maggie Gyllenhal’s Aha! Moment, but that wasn’t as revelatory somehow.)
I answered 20 multiple choice questions and SHAZAM! I was presented with the religion which was closest to my actual beliefs.
Turns out, I never should have been Jewish at all. Even Reform Judaism was only #12 on my list. I was shocked to learn that it barely nosed out Scientology, which placed 14th. (Kind of fishy, what with Oprah being buddies with John Travolta and Tom Cruise and all.) But luckily, I won’t be showing up at your doorstep with copies of The Watchtower, because the Jehovah’s Witnesses ended up dead last. (Those guys really need a celebrity, don’t they?)
So what religion does Oprah herself (well, not really, but maybe Gayle?) think I should be? Drumroll. Or heavenly choir. Yeah, that’s more appropriate.
The Belief-O-Matic says that Unitarian Universalism and I are soul mates. It says this religion and I share 100% of the same core beliefs. (Secular Humanism placed, with a 97% match, in case somebody put down a bet.)
So, the next time Moochie asks me a spiritual question, I’m going to be able to tell her all about Unitarian Universalism. As soon as I figure out what the hell it is.
PS: The excellent Connie W. at The Young and the Relentless, among other places, says she took the quiz and is writing a post about it tomorrow. I recommend you tune in, click over, or whatever the hell the kids are saying these days. I know I’m going; see you at her place? Cool. You think your father’ll give you the car? I’ll bring beer.